Big Fat Lost Quiz of the Year  Comic Relief 2011
by LostInLost18
Summary: Watch as frustrated host Jacob tries to quiz our clueless Losties about the first simmering season of the show. Features guest characters from other shows and promises to be a barrel of fun for everyone! Give it a try! Rated T for language.


**Big Fat Lost Quiz of the Year **

**[Comic Relief 2011]**

* * *

**Jacob: **[Waves] Hello! And welcome to Big Fat Lost Quiz of the Year, celebrating Lost in 2004.…

**Jack: **What? Even though it's blatantly 2011? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!

**Jacob: **Hush, Jack! We'll get to you and your abnormal breathing problems later. As I was saying, welcome to Big Fat Lost Quiz of the Year for 2011. It seems odd to be doing it now, a quarter of the way through the year, but hell, this is for Comic Relief 2011! We're starting at 2004 because that's when Lost began… [Sighs] So tonight, we're going to find out how much you remember from the show's first captivating season. Now, for the teams…

[Camera pans to Jack and Sayid, who both fold their arms and sit back to back, as if trying - and failing - to look cool.]

**Jacob: **First, we have I-Can-Fix-Anything Jack Shepherd! [Applause] And, as his team partner, we have I-Kick-Ass Sayid Jarrah! [Louder applause] Have you two picked out a pub quiz team name?

**Sayid: **[Nodding] Yes. Because we want to win this so badly, and we know we have the intelligence to do so, we are simply called 'The Winners'.

**Jacob: **[Raising an eyebrow] Cocky, much? [Sighs] Very well. Onto team 2!

[Camera pans to Charlie and Sawyer, the former looking less than pleased with his companion.]

**Jacob: **Team 2 consists of ex-junkie, but still lovable, Charlie Pace! [Loud, tumultuous applause, and the odd fan girl scream] And, next to him, we have the Mouth-of-the-South, Sawyer! [Even louder applause, and more fan girl screams.] Your team name is?

**Charlie: **Well, I wanted Conman and Junkie but SOMEONE said that was plagiarizing another story. [Looks disgusted] So, together, we came up with a fantastic, never before thought of name. Chawyer.

**Sawyer: **[Beams] Cool, isn't it?

**Jacob: **Yeah… I've seen more originality in Friends. [As the crowd boos, he raises his hands defensively] I'm not saying the show is bad! I…I will be shutting up now.

**Sawyer: **Probably best, Hosse.

**Jacob: **[sighs heavily] Ok, and now for our final team.

[Camera pans onto Boone and Shannon, who are bickering even before the camera reaches them.]

**Shannon: **BOONE! Why didn't you tell me this was being filmed? My HAIR is a MESS!

**Boone: **[Growling] This is a nightmare. You really couldn't partner me with anyone else? Hell, I'd take the Sarcastic Scarecrow over there [gestures to Sawyer] than be with the Blonde Bimbo.

**Jacob: **[Flatly] He's sweet as pie, and just as tasty, it's Boone Carlyle. [Polite applause] And his…intelligent…brainy… [snickers] I'm sorry. I couldn't get through that. It's Shannon Rutherford! [Scattered applause]. Dare I ask if you two have agreed on a team name?

**Shannon: **[Sweetly] Yes. We are Same Difference, like the X Factor contestants.

**Jacob: **Ok, a) how do you know about that? You're AMERICAN! And b) I've done my research and they are the most irritating, most cringe worthy people in the world. So…good choice. Let's move on. [Clears throat] Now, you write down your answers and at the end of each round I'll give you the answers and we'll tally up the scores.

**Sawyer: **Can I just - ?

**Jacob: **No. I've taken particular care to make sure you don't cheat, Sawyer. If you do, you'll be given an electric shock. Anyway, onto round one! In the pilot episode, who do we see as being the first people to react to the 'monster'?

[Everyone scrawls down their answers]

**Charlie: **[To Sawyer] What? That can't be right! Are you even taking this seriously?

**Sawyer: **I've had it with your whining. And I KNOW this is right. Relax - we've got this in the bag.

[Meanwhile, over at 'The Winners'…]

**Sayid: **Are you SURE? I'm not sure if this is either an exceptional guess, or you're just trying to tell me something…

**Jack: **I know it's right! [Stretches] We'll win this hands down.

**Jacob: **[To camera] The amount of ego in this room is enough to choke an elephant. [Sighs] Ok, have you all written something down? [Mumbled yeses] Shannon, you do realize that pen isn't for writing bitchy messages don't - ? Oh never mind! Question two. Hurley won the lottery in the Numbers episode. How much did he win?

**Charlie: **OOH! OOH! OOH! [Whispers frantically to Sawyer]

**Jacob: **I'm sorry - I've not got monkey noises as the answer on the card.

**Shannon: **[Grumbling] Why do we get questions we obviously have no clue about? We've had to take a completely wild guess and it's probably wrong and we're gonna lose.

**Jacob: **[Hiding a smirk] I'm not gonna lie, Shannon, it's definitely a possibility. Are we all done? Ok, question number three: Which character's flashback does the character Tom appear in?

**Jack: **[To Sayid] It's one of three people…

**Sayid: **[Banging head on desk] If you could narrow it down even further, Jack, that would be nice. We're not gonna win on a 'well it's one of three…'

**Jack: **Is this how it's going to work? With you bossing me around? [Glares defiantly]

**Sayid: **[Firmly] Yes. For two reasons. One, I am the man of this team. And two, you need taking down a peg or two.

[Tumultuous applause]

**Jacob: **Have you all got something down? Question four is an extract from one of your fellow cast members' journals we've managed to nick. All you've got to do is write down whose it is. The extract will be read by the wonderful - and extremely handsome - Dean Winchester.

[Blank faces all round]

**Sawyer: **Who?

**Jacob: **[Sighs impatiently] Honestly. Have you never watched anything other than your own show? He's from _Supernatural. _Anyway, turn your attention to the big screen…magic's about to start.

**Dean: **[From television screen, reading from journal] "I guessed this was it. Now or never. When you're doing stuff like this, stuff which is essentially for your survival, you have to think of the good you're doing. I didn't ask for this, to commit a crime not even the jungle laws can justify, but I had to get on with it. Now or never." Heavy stuff, bitches. [Smirks]

**Charlie: **[Gazing at the screen] He's like their version of Sawyer only…strangely more charming, wittier and infinitely funnier.

[Sawyer scowls and hits him]

**Jacob: **Have you all written something down then? Hurry up!

[Everyone scrambles to write something down. Shannon glares at Boone, snatching the pen off of him]

**Jacob: **Ok, question number five: Name two episode titles which were Jack centric.

**Jack: **Er….

**Sayid: **[Hissing] This is about YOU! There should be no 'er-ing'.

**Boone: **[Complaining loudly] I doubt any shows EVER have titles like that! Shannon…Can you…Can you just be serious for once?

**Shannon: **This is fun, Boone-er-rang. Are you being a buzz kill? Don't kill my buzz!

[Boone stares agog at her.]

**Jacob: **[chuckling] Ok! Are you ready for the answers? I asked you who were the first to be seen to react to the 'monster'. What did you put Jack and Sayid?

**Sayid: **[Sighs] Jack put down himself and Kate. I wasn't sure but he's adamant that's right.

[Jacob nods solemnly.]

**Jacob: **Ok. Charlie and Sawyer…?

**Sawyer: **We didn't really know. So we guessed.

**Jacob: **[Flatly] You put 'some fat guy and some twat.' Nice. Have you no maturity in your bones? Charlie, why didn't you stop him?

**Charlie: **Hello? This is SAWYER. I'd have a much better chance at telling the sun to stop shining than telling him to stop being such a massive di -

**Jacob: **[Hastily interrupts] OK! Shannon and Boone…surprise me.

**Shannon: **We said us.

**Jacob: **I see. [Rolls eyes.] Well, the answer was Jack and Kate. [Ignores Sayid and Jack's secret high five] Question two. I asked you how much Hurley won in the lottery. Jack and Sayid, you put….?

**Jack: **We didn't know. So we put 100, 000, 000, 000, 000 dollars. Just as a guess. I…I've never played the lottery. I don't know how ridiculously large their prizes get.

**Sayid: **In Iraq, we have no lottery. Only soldiers.

**Jacob: **That's relevant because? Charlie and Sawyer, enlighten us with YOUR answer.

**Charlie: **[Smugly] I was the one who got this one. 156 million dollars.

**Jacob: **That is correct. Well done. And…dare I ask…?

**Boone: **[Resigned] I gave Shannon the pen, in the blind hope she knew what she was doing, and all she wrote was 'What's a four letter word for I don't care?'

**Jacob: **[Sighing heavily] Fair enough. Question three. Who is Tom and which character's flashback does he appear in?

**Jack: **We went for 'Sod it.'

**Jacob: **Uh-huh. Wanna explain why?

**Sayid: **We debated having a wild guess, but then Jack remembered reading an article about this student who wrote 'fuck off' in his exam and got seven and a half percent because it showed 'rudimentary skill' so we thought we'd get a point for putting 'sod it.'. [Pants]

[Jacob stares. Audience laughs. Sawyer gets an electric shock for trying to sneak a glance at Shannon and Boone's answer.]

**Jacob: **Riiiiight. [Takes a deep breath] Ok, Sawyer and Charlie - what did you guys go for?

**Charlie: **We went for Kate. We deduced it had to be an old lover of someone, so we went for Kate who, if I may say, is a FOX. [Growls seductively, causing Sawyer to smack him on the head.]

**Shannon: **We went for Kate as well. Just a wild guess though. [Smirks]

**Jacob: **Incredible. You actually got one right. Yes, it was Kate. Shame on you, Jack, for not knowing that.

[Jack hangs his head in shame.]

**Jacob: **[Clears throat] Earlier on, you heard Dean Winchester read an extract from a journal. Whose was it? Shannon and Boone, what did you go for?

**Boone: **We didn't know…

**Jacob: **Shocker…

**Boone: **So we guessed it was Ethan.

[Jacob stares at them in mild surprise.]

**Sawyer: **Yeah, we went for Ethan too. [Smirks]

[Jack and Sayid reveal they went for that same answer too.]

**Jacob: **Well, let's go over to Dean to see whose journal it actually was.

[Camera pans over to the television screen.]

**Dean: **[Grinning] Yeah, that's right. This is the journal of one Ethan Rom which, if you rearrange the letters, spells Other Man. Enjoy that fact, bitch.

[Audience and team members laugh]

**Jack: **He really is delightful and charming.

**Jacob: **Yes. You can stop having eye-sex with him now, Jack… Question five: Name two episode titles which are Jack centric. You guys, [gestures to Jack and Sayid], went for…?

**Sayid: **We got one…The White Rabbit. We - meaning Jack - couldn't remember the second so we went for one that sounded most Jack-y…Live Together Die Alone.

**Jacob: **Er…that one's from season two.

**Sayid: **I choose to disagree.

**Jacob: **Ok. That's your right. My right, however, is to disagree with your answer and say that you are WRONG! [Laughs evilly]

[In the audience…]

**Man In Black: **WTF? [Randomly falls over]

**Charlie: **We had no idea so Sawyer drew a picture. Look, there's a bunny and there's also some strange picture of two people… EWWWWW! SAWYER! [Hits him] Graphic porn? On a quiz show? Have you no sense of morality?

[Sawyer snickers loudly]

**Jacob: **Boone and Shannon haven't contributed much either. They've just doodled all over the answer box. Zero points all round then.

**Sayid: **Bring back that charming Dean. I liked him.

**Jacob: **Indeed. Well, at the end of that round let's have a look at the scores. Shannon and Boone are lucky to have two points. Jack and Sayid also have two points. Charlie and Sawyer have three points. [Applause]

**Jack: **I think this game is biased. I think you've decided not to let us win on the basis that you find us the tiniest bit annoying. I think if it was down to the public vote, you'd find we'd win by a LANDSLIDE… I think…

**Jacob: **You think too much… Stop before you give yourself brain damage…Oops [smirks] too late…

[Tumultuous laughter]

**Jacob: **Let's carry on with the show. Round two! Question one: we learned a surprising fact about John Locke at the end of the fourth episode, Walkabout… what was that fact?

[Boone and Shannon whisper to each other, which quickly turns into slaps and random pokes]

**Boone: **I didn't enter this for laughs, Shannon! We need to win this!

**Charlie: **Sawyer… it's already been conclusively proven you can't be trusted with the pen! Why are you frisking me for it when it's _in my freaking hand?_

**Jacob: **Okay… are we all done writing something down? Good… onto question two: what airport did Oceanic Flight take off from?

**Jack: **Do you mean generally or on the day we crashed?

[Jacob rolls his eyes.]

**Jacob: **Actually, Jack, I mean on the 1st April, the year being Ha, Ha, Bloody Ha!

**Jack: **[Sniffing, injured] Well, there's no need to be snarky.

**Sawyer: **Actually, doc, with you there's ALWAYS a need to be snarky. [Applause of agreement]

**Jacob: **Question three…. What are the numbers Hurley used to play the lottery? If you don't get this… I will batter you.

**Shannon: **[Scowling] You're not fit to wear the other host of this type of show's shoes!

**Jacob: **Are you, by any chance, talking about top rated and successful British comic Jimmy Carr?

**Shannon: **…Who?

[Meanwhile, at the Chawyer table…]

**Charlie: **I know this! It's coming to me….

**Sawyer: **I DIDN'T CHOOSE YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR POPULARITY, PACE! Actually… [thinks] I didn't choose you full stop. I'd rather have had Juliet, frankly.

**Charlie: **Ass.

**Jacob: **Question four… What is the song that plays in the background as the survivors rest and recover in episode three?

**Jack: **[To Sayid] We have to be crafty about our answer, Sayid. Think about a song which suggests rest and recovering…

**Sayid: **I know no songs about that! I only know war songs!

**Jack: **Well, then you're going to be a FAT lot of help then aren't you?

**Boone: **SHANNON! That is NOT the answer! Come on, we are losing here. Badly!

**Jack: **We're on the same points as you! Are you calling us losers?

**Boone: **[fawningly] No, Jack… I'd never call you a loser! Never!

**Shannon: **NUMBSKULL! That's the guy who failed to save your life! You're about as much use as a used tissue!

**Boone: **This coming from a girl who'd rather paint her nails than help other survivors be USEFUL!

**Jacob:** [rolling his eyes] If we're done with the infantile bickering, I'd like to gently saunter over to question five. Who is Claire talking to when her baby begins to kick again?

**Charlie: **Me? She's always talking to me. [smirks]

**Sawyer: **Yeah, but the world don't revolve around you, Chuck.

**Charlie: **[splutters with rage] WHAAT? That is such a load of crap, Sawyer. Do you not understand the sheer hypocrisy of what you've just said?

[At the Winners, Sayid seems to have found a new way of finding answers…]

**Jack: **A magic 8-ball? Really?

**Sayid: **Crazier things have happened…. Now, who was Claire talking to when her baby began to kick again? [Shakes the ball] 'Try again later…?' No I will not, you incessant piece of plastic! [Shakes it again] 'Don't insult me, you racist'…. HOW AM I RACIST?

**Jack: **Answer time, maybe?

**Jacob: **That's the best thing you've said so far, Jack… Okay, Question one… I asked you what the fascinating fact we found out about Locke was at the end of the fourth episode… Boone and Shannon, you put…?

**Boone: **We already vaguely knew this - Well, I did - so I put down he was paralyzed. I'm awesome like that. [folds arms]

**Charlie: **Sawyer thought he knew this [glares] but he didn't. He put Locke was secretly superman.

**Jacob: **He had the pen in this round then?

**Charlie: **Ya-ha! After nearly raping me in the process to get it, I might add…

**Jacob: **And finally… The Winners… what was YOUR answer?

[Silence]

**Jack: **We went with … he's gay. [Defensively] We had no idea okay? So…seeing how he wasn't attracted to anyone on the island - although every one of them is SMOKING HOT - we figured he was gay.

**Sayid: **Dude, you are sick. One of them is your _sister._

[Charlie mouths 'and my lover' in Jack's direction]

**Jack: **Can I move away from him? He's making me want to throw up.

**Jacob: **No… because then we'd have to rotate everything else to suit you! This is Comic Relief, damn it, not Jack Day!

**Jack: **BUT EVERY DAY IS JACK DAY!

**Jacob: **I KNOW! THAT'S WHAT COMIC RELIEF IS ALL ABOUT! RELIEF OF HAVING ONE DAY WHERE YOU DON'T COME FIRST!

**Sayid: **[to the other teams] I'm confused. I thought Comic Relief was about giving aid to people who needed it.

[Laughter; plus the odd banging of heads on chairs as the audience thrives in Jack's ignorance.]

**Jacob: **Anyway… the correct answer was Locke was paralyzed, which means shockingly - SHOCKINGLY - the only team to get that right was Same Difference.

**Shannon: **WOOHOO! WE ROCK!

**Jacob: **Right…. Question two: what airport did Oceanic 815 take off from? Your answers….

**Boone: **Can I just say in Shannon's defence, the question was a little confusing and she put L.A. meaning Sydney?

**Jacob: **[in an ominous voice] There are no excuses for ignorance. The one bit of dignity you'd reclaimed is gone now. Everyone else managed to get that right. Question three… What were the numbers Hurley used to play the lottery?

**Sayid: **4, 18, 15, 16, 23, 44

**Jacob: **Ah…fallen at the final hurdle. [Shakes head] Disgraceful…

[Jack goes to lunge at Jacob but Sayid holds him back. The two mutter darkly amongst themselves.]

**Charlie: **4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.

**Jacob: **Correct. [Resigned] And the Twits… what did you put?

**Boone: **I resent that! [Displays answer] We put the numbers one to nine because, if you think about it, it's the right answer. I mean, Charlie and Sawyer's supposed 'correct answer' [air quotes] contains all these digits, yes or no?

**Jacob: **By that logic….how do you not fall down more? [Laughter] Alright… let's move onto question four. What was the name of the song played over the survivors as they rested and recovered? [Checks card] Something like that anyway… [Braces self] Let's hear your stupid answers….

**Jack: **Sayid apparently doesn't know any songs which don't involve war or torture of some kind, so we had a wild guess and went for I Am the Music Man.

**Jacob: **I Am the Music Man? Really? You chose a children's song as your answer? [Sigh] Still, it's a step up from what Shannon and Boone have put which is….

**Boone: **If You're Happy and You Know It.

**Jacob: **Uh-huh… Who had the pen this round?

[Boone and Shannon point to each other]

**Jacob: **Pfft. Figures. Charlie and Sawyer… Let's just move on. You all got that wrong. [Bangs head against wall of studio *cough* I mean, wall of Jacob's cabin….] Question five, who was Claire talking to when her baby began to kick again?

**Shannon: **MEEEE! [Files nails] I remember her having a conversation with me - I wasn't listening - and she mentioned her baby.

**Jacob: **Your knowledge of, frankly, everything makes me want to commit island-cide.

[In the audience…]

**Man In Black: **DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! [Is restrained by security guards]

**Charlie: **We went down a similar avenue… [Displays a card with his name on it] I thought since we are the It couple of the millennium, I'd have been the one talking to her.

**Sawyer: **Let me make it plain… I played no part in that answer. [Flicks something in Jack's direction]

**Jacob: **And Sayid and Jack…. You went for something more sensible, I hope?

**Sayid: **Er…. We went for Kate. Not because one of the team members… [glares pointedly at Jack] is in love with her, but because we know Claire and Kate formed a bond.

**Sawyer: **ooh-er…. [smirks]

**Sayid: **Shut up, Sawyer, you foul, perverted, deranged old tart-biscuit.

**Sawyer: **[mockingly] Shut up, Sayid, you… clean, er, unperverted, sane, youthful, piece of cake! [Pauses] That may have come out as more of a compliment than I intended.

**Jacob: **You are all wrong! The answer was Jin… What is it Jack?

[Jack is bent double; hysterical]

**Jack: **Don't be silly? How can that be the answer? Jin can't talk….

[Jin appears randomly from the audience, sings the USA national anthem, then hits Jack over the head with a saucepan]

**Jacob: **[raising an eyebrow] Apparently he can not only talk but he can _move _as well. [Laughs] Okay, onto the abysmal scores… The Winners are on a massive…. three. Same Difference are also on three. Team Chawyer, however, are doing well with five points

[Applause]

**Jacob: **We'll take a quick break now, whilst you at home are shown adverts of items you know you don't need but are going to buy anyway like the foolish mortals you are. [Grins at Man In Black]

/ Quick Break commences /

**Pierre Chang: **Hello, I'm Marvin Candle… [Aside] Really? That's the name we're going with again? [Sigh] Yes…I'm Marvin Candle, and I'm here to promote the wonderful Dharma Initiative.

[Ben comes running up and hits him in the face]

**Ben: **NOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN! [Waves] This advert is now discontin -

X-X-X

**Hurley: **DHARMA BARS! [Holds one out] Try one today. Seriously, dudes. They're like all warm…and chocolately… and their expiration date is… [Looks at wrapper] Okay, so they're like thirty years past their sell by date. They're still awesome. Come on, try it… You know you wanna. [Smiles]

X-X-X

**Voiceover: **Comic Relief is a charity which supports overseas and UK projects. Your money could help buy food for this group of deprived survivors.

**Deprived survivors: **FOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDD!

**Jack: **I'm gonna eat Sawyer's head if I don't get alphabet spaghetti soon!

**Voiceover: **Or, alternatively, your money could go into supporting the Dharma projects, which will end up being completely destroyed by the deprived survivors you saw earlier….

**Deprived survivors: **[Cheers and laughs]

**Voiceover: **On a more serious note, please give all you can towards Comic Relief. It's a cause worth donating for… [Hesitating] Unlike the ridiculous charity which aims to raise money for some more buttons for Desmond's shirt.

**Desmond: **Yeah, sister!

/ Quick Break ends /

**Jacob: **After those…illuminating ads, it's time to recommence Big Fat Lost Quiz of the Year for Comic Relief 2011. Teams are you ready?

**Teams: **Yeah, let's do it! [Jack mutters mutinously otherwise]

**Jacob: **Okay, question one in round three is another journal question. Please turn your attention towards the wonderful Dean Winchester.

[They turn towards the television screen where Dean appears, smirking at them all]

**Dean: **[Reading from the journal] "It's kind of hard… Growing up wondering who your mother was. What she was like. I asked my dad what she was like, how he felt about her, but he became evasive, trying to dodge the question. I mean, they must've been in love right? Sometimes, I have to wonder whether he even knew her, because I've asked him stuff about her, and it's like he makes it up on the spot. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it, maybe it's just tough old dad trying not to think about her. But I can't shake the feeling maybe there's so much more , and he's not telling me it." Huh. Tough dad love? I can so relate to that. See ya later, bitches. [Winks]

**Jacob: **Whose journal entry is that?

**Jack: **[Looks blank] That could be any of us! It talks about daddy issues and we all have them!

**Jacob: **Take a wild guess then.

**Jack: **Yeah, 'cause THAT'S worked out so well before. [Snorts]

**Sayid: **Ooh, I actually know this! [Whispers to Jack]

**Charlie: **[to Sawyer] Have you got any idea 'cause, frankly, if you do, I may have to sacrifice our lead by giving you the pen?

[Sawyer thinks then snatches the pen off of Charlie]

**Sawyer: **Ha! Think I got this one in the bag, Moonshine. [Scribbles the answer down] We are so going to win this.

**Boone: **[Exasperated] Do you have any idea, Shan?

**Shannon: **Not really. But if you gave me the pen, I could doodle over it again.

**Boone: **[Censored reply]

[Laughter]

**Jacob: **Okay, question number two: what is the name of the annoying science teacher we are introduced to in the second half of the season? Full name would be lovely, but I will accept any variation of first name or surname.

**Jack: **Yay! We can get back in the game here, Sayid.

**Sayid: **[flatly] Yay!

**Jacob: **Okay, next question - which is a bonus question - is going to be delivered to you by a very special guest. [smirks] One of you may just lose your FREAKING mind. Please welcome…Damon Salvatore from the Vampire Diaries!

[Damon saunters in, immediately scanning the room for hot chicks. Girls start to scream; several faint. Boone stares.]

**Charlie: **This is HILARIOUS!

**Damon: **[waving lazily] Hey, boys. Shannon… [winks] Love the show.

**Boone: **HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? HOW DO WE LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE?

**Damon: **Holy cow! [shocked] I have a doppelganger! [Speeds over to Boone] Are you evil?

**Boone: **Er…. No.

**Damon: **Are you a vampire?

**Boone: **No! I resent that.

[Damon sighs with relief.]

**Damon:** Okay… I'm here to ask you a question. [Bats eyelashes at Shannon] Whose centric episode is the one entitled…. Dum, dum, dum…. Hearts and Minds? [Smirks] Get this one if you can.

**Jack: **[Staring] Why is there a more attractive man than me smirking at me?

**Boone: **Jack thinks I'm attractive?

**Damon: **He was talking to me, Butthead. [Eyes him] Though you've got your own thing going on, I will admit.

**Charlie: **SAWYER! [Explodes] THAT'S NOT EVEN A CHARACTER! IN FACT, I DOUBT ANYONE HAS THAT NAME ANYWHERE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD? I'm scratching it out and putting the real answer. Dumbass.

**Sawyer: **Yeah…. But I play this game for fun, Chuck, not for the prize.

**Damon: **I like your style, cowboy. [Blurs over for a high five] You and me… I think we'd get on if you lived where I do.

**Sawyer: **Where's that then?

**Damon: **Mystic Falls.

**Sawyer:** Pah! Sounds bo-ring! [yawns exaggeratedly}

**Jacob: **Okay, Damon, you may leave now. The next questions about to start. What a guest, everyone, put your hands together for Damon Salvatore! [Tumultuous applause; a second group of fans faint]

**Jacob: **Okay… guys; your giant egos can inflate themselves up again. The smoking hot, cool vampire is gone.

[Everyone but Shannon cheers. In the audience, Ana Lucia sobs]

**Jacob: **Question three: what are Boone and Locke first doing in the jungle together when they discover the hatch? [Glares] Keep it clean, guys. This is a popular show and we don't want to drag its name through the mud because you can't keep those dirty thoughts to yourself!

**Jack: **Damn! [Sticks a tongue out]

**Charlie: **I don't know this one [panics and flails]

**Sawyer: **Then we do what we always do in this situation, kid. [Hisses in Charlie's ear]

**Sayid: **What, when the going gets tough you become snakes?

**Jack: **Did Sayid just crack a funny?

**Shannon: **Yeah, he did. [smiles longingly at him]

**Jack: **Um, objection! Two members of different teams are flirting. I demand you disqualify Same Difference. [In a low voice] Send them down!

**Jacob: **[Censored] Let's proceed with question four. Finish this quote, bearing in mind you have to keep it clean: "I looked into the eye of this island. And what I saw was…" Blank.

[Jack whispers into Sayid's ear]

**Sayid: **Ooh! That tickles! Stop! [laughs]

**Jacob: **[darkly] This is good. We know how to break him….

[Blank faces all around]

**Shannon: **Boone! Stop whining about how Damon is a better looking version of yourself! Let's do this stupid quiz and then go out and get hammered!

**Boone: **Fine…but you're buying the first round.

**Jacob: **Question five: what part of the human anatomy was the first thing we saw on our screens?

[Sawyer snicks and proceeds to scrawl something down much to Charlie's intense chagrin]

**Charlie: **Goodbye precious lead…. We will miss you.

**Shannon: **HA! I'm fairly confident we've got all of these right.

**Jack: **Pah! Talk about famous last words!

[Shannon and Jack lock themselves in a deathly stare-down.]

**Jacob: **Okay… are we all done? [Doesn't bother to check] Right, answer time! Question one was the extract from the journal. What did you all put?

**Sayid: **Alex. Because I am that awesome and managed to deduce it all by myself. [Folds arms]

**Jacob: **And Sawyer and Charlie….?

**Sawyer: **We went for Kate. Cause, you don't know, could've been an extract from her life. She's so damn mysterious….and…and sexy.

**Jacob: **I should tell you, Sawyer, that Juliet is watching this. Along with the 776 babies you have managed to create. And she'll probably file for divorce after this.

[Sawyer pulls a face]

**Jacob: **And Shannon and Boone, you went with… Alex too?

**Boone: **I actually remember catching that bit of info. How cool am I?

[No answer]

**Jacob: **Well, let's turn to Dean for the answer. Dean?

[Camera pans back to the television screen.]

**Dean: **That's right, bitches and jerks… It was Alex Rousseau, daughter of the strangely hot French chick. If you didn't get that, well you deserve to be eaten.

**Charlie: **I don't want to be eaten! [Pulls a scared face]

**Jacob: **Right…. Moving on from this pit of despair, let's see how you all did on the bonus question which was asked by the love-r-ly Damon. [To self] Must invade Mystic Falls and pluck out some more candidates] [To team] He asked you whose centric episode was entitled 'Hearts and Minds'. Shannon and Boone?

**Shannon: **We didn't know this one. So we guessed it was Walt, cause he has that freaky thing with his mind… Or am I thinking of a different show? He can read minds, and makes girls go crazy. Oh….wait. That's Edward Cullen. [Looks ashamed] You'd think me being a girl I'd know that.

[Bangs head against desk repeatedly]

**Charlie: **We got the answer I think, which was Shannon and Boone.

**Jack: **[nodding] Same. We got the same answer.

**Jacob: **Right. [Looks confused] Let's…move on. Question two, we asked you what the name of the science teacher we were introduced to late in the season?

**Charlie, Sawyer: **Artz!

**Jack:** Actually….it's Leslie Artz, so I think we should get a bonus point for that.

[Jacob gives him a death glare]

**Jack: **Maybe not… [whimpers]

**Boone: **We had no clue! So we tried to think of teacher names. And we came up with John Smith.

[Silence; tumbleweed blows by.]

**Jacob: **That is the lamest answer ever. [Sighs] Question three - what were Boone and Locke originally doing in the jungle together before they found the hatch?

**Charlie: **Searching for Claire…

**Jacob: **That's not what it says on your answer board! It simply says "Go screw yourself." [Frowns] That's not a mature thing to say….

**Charlie: **It's Latin… for searching for Claire.

**Jacob: **No, it isn't. [Sighs] What did you put guys?

**Sayid: **We put doing it roughly in the jungle… Actually, we wrote this beautiful novel - a real romance novel - of an answer, but we decided the world wasn't ready to hear it and so blocked it out.

**Jacob: **Is that what the big black blob on your board is then?

**Sayid: **Yep. Appreciate our creativity and move on! [Strokes a wrench under the table]

**Shannon: **Boone knew this…

**Jack: **SHOCKING!

**Boone: **We were searching for Claire. But WE actually put it down. [smirks in Charlie's direction]

**Jacob: **[shaking head] This round it seems Shannon and Boone - of all people - are showing the most intelligence. This might be so strange it may actually break time. The answer WAS they were looking for Claire. Doing it roughly and Go screw yourself are, unfortunately, unacceptable answers.

**Charlie: **[scowling] I knew it! I knew giving you my pen would mean trouble! [sobs] I need this win to reclaim my dignity which has so far been shredded by being surrounded by a bunch of morons.

**Jacob: **Moving on… to question four. The quote you had to finish was 'I looked into the eye of this island and what I saw was…" Wow…you all got this right.

**Shannon: **Beautiful. [smiles serenely] A word I've heard many times over the course of my life.

**Jacob: **[Eyeing Shannon, then giving a _meh_ sort of look] And last, but certainly not least, question five. What was the first piece of human anatomy we saw on our screens? [Face wrinkles up with disgust] I'm not even going to read out Charlie and Sawyer's. It's disgusting.

**Sawyer: **BUZZKILL!

**Jacob: **I have to be…it's my job. [smiles angelically]

**Sayid: **We put the eye. It's what half the [censored] show's episodes started off with… a [censored] eye! [CENSORED RANT]

**Jacob: **Who knew Sayid could get this angry and not actually torture something? [snickers] Shannon and Boone…you put face. That's too general. And so wrong.

**Boone: **Unless your eye is on your kneecap, I think we should get the point.

**Jacob: **Nope! Unless you want to accidentally-on-purpose be pushed into the heart of the island and turned into smoke, I suggest you keep your mouth shut. [Laughter] I wasn't joking… [bitchface] And the scores at the end of THAT round were…. I've lost count. [Another bitchface]

**Locke: **[From the audience] It's not your destiny to lose count!

**Jacob: **OH SHUT UUUUUUP! [throws a shoe] Go fall from a building. [sulks] Whilst I tally up the results, here's another commercial break.

/ Quick Break commences /

**Ben: **Are you tired of boring hotels? Tired of islands where there's little to do, little to see? Come to our magical island…. Where dreams are just a hop, skip and a jump aw - [is interrupted] Wait? We're not allowing people to come here. Okay…. GO AWAY! IGNORE THIS YET AGAIN INTERRUPTED COMMERCIAL!

X-X-X

**Richard: **Hey, ladies… Want eyeliner which makes your eyes stand out from the crowd? Try mine - Immortaline Eyeliner. [Applies some on] Because, ladies… Richard Alpert isn't immortal - YOU are!

X-X-X

**Voiceover: **Have you been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault?

**Locke: **Yes. I was pushed out of an eight storey building…

**Voiceover: **You could claim compensation and, here at IslandLawyers4U we would ensure you would receive every penny of it. That's right - one hundred percent of the compensation would be yours on a no-win no-fee basis.

**Locke: **I'm tempted….but money's no good on an island….

**Voiceover: **THEN DONATE IT TO COMIC RELIEF, YOU GREEDY BASTARD!

**Locke: **O.o.

X-X-X

**Kate: **Fed up of these annoying ads interrupting your programme? Swing by my house [grins] and I'll give you great tips that are to DIE for. Why make your bed and then lie on it when you can destroy that bed? [starts to get arrested] No… you cannot do this to me…. VOTE YES ON MURRRRDEEEERRRR!

/ Quick Break ends /

**Sayid: **So… did you tally the scores up?**Jacob: **[miserably] I never learned math! All of this makes no sense to me….But I think I've got this right. In the lead, with eight points are team Chawyer. [Charlie looks surprised; Sawyer mock punches him in the shoulder] Trailing behind, but only just, are The Winners who are on seven points. [Jack looks delight; Sayid looks moody] Which means, in last place, on six points are Same Difference!

**Shannon: **That's not too bad… I mean we're all like, what, a point behind each other. [Flicks hair] We can still win this thing…if I cared.

**Jacob: **[scoffing] Yeah, like that's going to happen! There's more chance of the island sinking…. [Pauses] Wait… That nearly happened? Oh…crap. [smiles falsely] Let's continue with this wonderful quiz…. [aside] before I rig this thing myself and make the friggin' audience win.

[Cheers and laughter]

**Jack: **COME ON WINNERS! WE CAN DO THIS!

**Sayid: **[quietly] Please get off the table, Jack…. It's not dignified.

[Jack gets down]

**Jacob: **Right, this is the bonus round. [Cheers] Settle down, settle down… For bonus question one, we're going to bring out someone and you can ask questions to try and find out who they are. But this person can only answer 'yes' or 'no' so choose your questions wisely. So…without further do, let's welcome our mystery guest.

[Mystery guest walks in. We see it's Joanna, the woman who drowned on day six]

**Jacob: **Teams…start your questioning. When you figure it out, write down the answer. You know the drill.

**Jack: **Are you in a flashback?

**Joanna: **No.

**Charlie: **Are you connected to any of the characters in any way? Like a brother or sister to someone?

**Joanna: **No. [smiles secretly]

**Sawyer: **You seein' anyone right now?

**Everyone: **SAWYER!

[Somewhere, Juliet is making a voodoo doll of Sawyer and playing sad songs over and over again]

**Sayid: **Were you on the plane with us?

**Joanna: **Yep.

[Jack whispers something to Sayid, who nods and then writes something down]

**Jack: **[smugly] I think we have this in the bag.

**Charlie: **By the end of season one, are you still alive?

**Joanna: **Ah…no.

**Charlie: **Got it!

**Boone: **[squinting] I feel like I should know this…but I don't. [Pulls a fail face]

**Jacob: **Right… have you all written something down?

[Sawyer gets a sharp electric shock]

**Jacob: **Was he trying to cheat, Charlie?

**Charlie: **[glaring at his team mate] A-ha, even though I've told him I know this! Can I just say for the official record if I ever go on something like this again, I'd like to be partnered with someone who is a little more mature and sensible.

**Jacob: **…. duly noted. [Rolls eyes] What were your answers then?

**Jack: **We knew this one - this was Joanna, the woman I couldn't save. [Lip wobbles; his eyes swim with tears] I'm not going to cry…

**Charlie:** We - Well, I say we; I mean I - got the same answer.

**Sawyer: **[pouting] My body hurts.

**Jacob: **Right…and Boone and Shannon [stares agog] Well, they've decided to put 'human being'.

**Shannon: **I think you'll find we deserve a tick next to that. If you say that's wrong, you're basically insulting this poor woman and calling her an alien! How could you sleep at night knowing you did that? HUH?

**Jacob:** There's a reason why you were killed off early, Shannon. And the answer - though correct to a degree - is wrong. Mystery guest, please reveal yourself.

**Joanna: **I'm Joanna, the woman who drowned on day six.

[Boone and Jack shift awkwardly in their seats.]

**Jacob: **Thank you, Joanna. [waves as she leaves] Ah… gotta love having awkward guests on. [Smirks at Boone and Jack]. And the scores at the end of that are: Charlie and Sawyer are on 9 points. Jack and Sayid are on 8. Boone and Shannon remain on an abysmal six points.

[Boone scowls and pokes Shannon immaturely, who screams and pokes him back. A poking war ensues]

**Jacob: **Bonus question two! This is an audio question. Listen to the sound I'm about to play for you and tell me what's happening here. Clue - it's not a gorilla as Shannon is clearly about to put.

[The sound of Jack pounding on Charlie's chest can be heard.]

**Jack: **Huh? [looks blank]

**Charlie: **[paling] I might have an idea… [whispers in Sawyer's ear who immediately laughs]

**Sawyer: **Oh…. You're not joking? Ouch…

**Charlie: **That's right, Sawyer… Give the [CENSORED] game away.

[Jack clicks on and hisses at Sayid. Boone and Shannon are too busy fighting, therefore miss the vital clue given.]

**Jacob: **Time for the final bonus question which will be read by… [drum roll] Castiel from Supernatural!

[Castiel randomly appears, looking intensely confused by his surroundings]

**Shannon: **OH! MY! GOD! HE'S GORRRRGEOUS! [hits Boone] ARE YOU SEEING THIS?

**Boone: **Unfortunately, yes. [frowns]

**Castiel: **Um…where am I?

**Jacob: **[coughs nervously] Read the question from the card, Castiel. That's all we ask you to do.

**Castiel: **There's an apocalyptic war going on in Heaven and you want me to read a card? [to himself] Mortals…they need to get their priorities right. [sighs, then reads from the card] Alright…teams… What's a team? The question I've been given to ask you is this: how many initial survivors were there in the pilot episode? [aside] What's a pilot episode? I - I don't get it…

**Shannon: **OMG. We are so meant to be. [flutters eyelashes]

**Sayid: **I guess I am out of the picture now. [takes shot gun and shoots at Castiel; being an angel, it does nothing for him] Damn!

**Shannon: **SAYID! [glares] Can they have a point deducted for trying to assassinate the guest?

**Jacob: **Ah….no. Castiel…want to give them the answer? [Sees Castiel has disappeared] Okay…. Not many of our guests can do that. [Is speechless]

**Sayid: **…the answers?

**Jacob: **Ah yes. The answers. Right… There was a piece of audio I played to you and I asked you to tell me what was happening in the… OH COME ON! [gestures to Boone and Shannon] I can't read that out aloud!

**Boone: **Why not? It's perfectly natural…

**Jacob: **IT IS DISGUSTING! Why would you even THINK that was an answer of any kind? [mutters darkly under his breath]

**Charlie: **[peering at answer] WHAT? Ewwwwwwwwwwww!

**Shannon: **His idea…. Not mine. [looks around for Castiel]

**Jacob: **[shuddering] The answer was Jack performing CPR on Charlie. The other two teams…you got that correct. Boone and Shannon… enjoy this moment 'cause it ain't happening again! Okay… final question. Castiel asked you how many initial survivors there were… [looks relieved] No dirty answers there… unless you count Sayid putting 'Boobs' on in calculator form. Still, you all got that right.

**Sayid: **Did the boobs give us extra points? [grins cheekily]

[Jacob throws one of his shoes at him]

**Sawyer: **I thought you were funny, Captain Arab… FUNNY LOOKING! BOOM! [slams hands on table] My word… MY [CENSORED] HANDS! [wails in agony much to Charlie's amusement.]

[Big alarm bell goes off]

**Jacob: **[looking up] Oh, and that means the end of the game. Let's look at those final scores… Trailing behind with seven points are Shannon and Boone! [polite applause]. Storming ahead with ten points are Jack and Sayid who, ironically, are NOT the winners. [smirks] Which means, with eleven points…

**Charlie: **OH MY GOD! WE WON! WE WON! [hugs Sawyer then releases him in disgust]

**Sawyer: **Hooray… this abysmal game is over. [stands up] Now…where's my pay check?

**Jacob: **Er… you don't get paid Sawyer. All the money raised by doing this goes towards Comic Relief… Sawyer….?

[Sawyer suddenly turns green and splits out of his shirt, resulting in more fan girl screams. He tears aside the set in anger, overturning team members and desks alike.]

**Jacob: **Well that concludes Big Fat Lost Quiz of the Year for Comic Relief 2011. [Dodges a flying desk] Thank you for joining us. I'm Jacob [Insert last name here] and I have been your host. [Is promptly knocked out by a flying television set.]

[From the audience]

**Sue Sylvester: **[Grinning] Outstanding.

**A/n: thank you for reading this and (hopefully) reviewing. Comic Relief is a UK based charity which helps local and overseas projects, ranging from helping people with severe physical and mental illnesses to bringing relief to third world countries. Though I won't be raising money with this, I hope to at least raise some awareness about the charity. I will be doing one of these for every season of Lost, with different Lost characters each time on each team. Hope you enjoyed. Look forward to the next one which will be either done for the next big cause, or by Christmas. By the way you might not get this if you've never seen the Big Fat Quiz of the Year so please look it up on Youtube. The real thing is far funnier than what I've done lol. **

**If you like, in a review say which Losties you'd like to see do the Lost quiz for season 2 and which other Lostie they should be paired with. :D thank you. **


End file.
